I don't know where to start...

It's difficult to start something, but I need this for me, and I need this for you...

I am overwhelmed.  Drowning in life.  I can't get out, I can't get up...  I just keep floating, and struggling...  grasping one frail lifeline that breaks and I struggle to find another...

It's an ongoing struggle.  I do not remember a time when it was any different.

Unwanted at conception.

Given away at birth.

Never adopted, just existed.

Terrified of people, manipulated into thinking everyone disliked me and could never be a friend from day 1.

Raised with an unstable household.

Moved frequently due to being in a military "family".

Verbally and mentally abusive "family".

Mentally ill and physically violent "brother".

Just barely missed being sexually molested by a trusted "teacher".

No real friends growing up. Because who wants to be friends with someone who can barely put a coherent sentence together or make eye contact.

Being told by my "siblings" that I was hated, despised, and they wished I never existed - just because I was born.

Being forced into a relationship by my "parents" because they wanted me to give them the grand kids that would have come from said relationship.

Being raped by that person.  (I didn't understand that at the time, but looking back I can see the manipulation and deceit used for that situation)

Getting out and running off to a college to hopefully get out of that world.

Quitting after 1 year by getting sucked back in to "take care of" said "parents" due to health issues.

Being betrayed by a trusted "pastor" who did things that were unacceptable.  Looking back and seeing what he had been trying to groom me for.

Being verbally and mentally abused by said "parents" again and again.

Being told I had no sense of humor.  And that because I didn't like being verbally abused, I couldn't take a joke.

Being told my only value was in finding a husband.

Meeting someone who was/is frankly too old for me, but seeing an out and going for it.  Realizing quickly that I shouldn't have, but staying because I have to.  I can't get out.  I have nowhere I could go.

Getting pregnant because I mentally needed to get over the past trauma and not knowing how else to deal with it.

Being told I was worthless by his family.  That he could have done better.

Constantly battling and struggling to make it above poverty level with said husband.

Still trying to grapple with and achieve one, small dream, and grasping at any straw to make it happen.

Putting myself back into that family of mental abuse because I couldn't get that stupid dream without them.

Never having the energy and desire to follow that dream to fruition now because I can't do it all.


I can't be a good mom, good wife, good daughter, good employee, good friend or good anything because how can I be good at anything when I am dead inside.  I have no feelings left.  I have no joy.  There is nothing worth anything inside of me anymore.  It has been drained out, trained out, by my life.  I am a robot of existence.  I am a nobody.

Every time I find one thing that might possibly, finally, help me out, all the rest...  all of it...  pulls me back down.  I am drowning.  I am breathing because I have to.  I don't want to anymore though.  I just want to not be. 

I sometimes look at the telephone poles and wonder how fast I'd have to go to hit it hard enough to end my life.  But then being afraid of it not working and being too chicken to even get above the speed limit.

I sometimes hope that I will just go to bed and not wake up...

How many pills would I have to take to just end it.

I am just a scaredy cat, and I don't want my kids to have to grow up with that image in their heads. 

But they would get over it, eventually, but I am just a stupid wimp.  Not brave enough to end it, not brave enough to try anything to change it.  I have no choices.  I have no options.  I have no dreams anymore.  All I see is an empty hallway leading to nothingness.